The Neuroscience of Pleasure: A Pathway to Your Personal Power -30

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Marli Williams [: 00:00:00

Everyone. What is happening? Welcome back to the Marli Williams podcast where this week I am hanging out with my good friend Danielle Savory who is the host of the It's My Pleasure podcast, which has been rated as one of the top sex podcasts in all the land. She is a sex and pleasure coach, and today, we are exploring this intersection of pleasure as it relates to tapping into our power, and our performance, and our purpose, and really seeing pleasure as a portal and a pathway to accessing these places with more fun, more fire, more power, really being intentional with making pleasure a priority. I cannot wait for this incredible conversation with Danielle today. So let's dive right in. Hey, everyone. What's happening? I am super stoked to welcome you to the Marli Williams podcast where we will explore authentic leadership, transformational facilitation, and how to create epic experiences for your audiences every single time. I am your host, Marli Williams, bringing you thought provoking insights, expert interviews, and actionable strategies to unlock your potential as a leader, facilitator, and speaker.

Marli Williams [: 00:01:24

Thank you for joining me on this journey of growth, transformation, and impact. Let's lead together. The Marli Williams podcast begins now. Let's dive in. Alright, everybody. I am super stoked to welcome you back to the Marli Williams podcast where I'm hanging out with my friend, Danielle Savory, this week. She is a powerful woman who is on a mission to help unleash pleasure in every area of your life. Danielle, welcome to the show.

Danielle Savory [: 00:02:05

Yes. I am so excited to be here. It's been a long time coming, I feel like.

Marli Williams [: 00:02:09

I know. We've known each other for a long time, and it's been really fun to witness you on your journey of, like, going from life coach to pleasure coach. And this journey that you've been on to, like, really embody that, really embrace that, and ultimately helping women step into their power through the lens of pleasure and then weaving together, like, neuroscience and explaining how our brains work. So I'm just super lit up and super stoked to connect with you and for you to share your magic and awesomeness with the crew. Before we dive in, I mean, I just said a little bit about what you do, but I would love to, in your own words, for you to just share with the audience a little bit of what you are up to, what's lighting you up, your work in the world, and then we can dive in from there.

Danielle Savory [: 00:03:06

Yeah. Absolutely. So, yeah, as Marli said, I'm a sex and pleasure coach. I say intimacy coach on social media because sex is still banned. So it's just nuts, which is nuts. And, you know and I think that title in general, it can be so restrictive and what people mean by that, because there is a lot of us out in this realm. And we all do different sorts of things. We all, like, focus on different sorts of aspects of our sexuality, of pleasure, of how to really help and empower people.

Danielle Savory [: 00:03:39

And so on the one side of things, you know, I really can just help people increase desire, you know, experience more pleasure, have, like, a mind blowing sex life. And that is the lens, like you said, the modality of which I work. However, what really lights me up is not just that you're having like a mind blowing sex life. Like that's amazing. But having more women engage in this area of their life, which has been restricted or taboo or consent are shameful, or they've been really disconnected from and start to show them that this is really the missing piece. You know, when we really look at ways that we have grown, especially for those of us socialized as women, you know, in our society and creating equality and you know, showing up more in these places of office and places where we get to use our voice. There's been so much amazing personal growth. And sex is one of those things that people still don't touch.

Danielle Savory [: 00:04:41

They don't even see it in the realm of personal growth. But from my experience, both personal and with the 1000 of women that I've worked with at this point, when we tap into our pleasure, and when we really look at the science behind it, so I get super nerdy with the pleasure aspect. It's like when we really look at the brain, and the way that pleasure optimizes our brain function, I think there can be a very strong argument made that this is one of the things that's held us back in our society from holding these positions because this has not been available to us. It we have been discouraged. We've been shamed or told to reject it. We're told our pleasures for somebody else. And for those that have you know, historically men in our world historically have been more encouraged in this realm. And when you look again at the science of what that does to the nervous system and the brain and the body, like they have got to have this upper hand because of the way that pleasure optimizes their system.

Danielle Savory [: 00:05:48

And because of the way it also can help create internal resources that allows us to show up boldly, you know, problem solving creatively, really connected, you know, all these things that we don't think about as women, when we think about sex, we still think about it as something we're giving away or a nice to have, rather than like an essential part of our overall success and well-being.

Marli Williams [: 00:06:18

Oh, my goodness. Dropping so many golden nuggets already. So much wisdom. And I love this of not seeing this as something that's extra, or on the side, or when we have time, or something that we give to somebody else that it's essential to our, like you said, our well-being, our performance, our power, our strength. You know, when you think about, like, sexual energy, I feel like it's creative energy, it's generative, you feel, like, in your power. And what you said is so fascinating. I don't know how many people have told me to read the Think and Grow Rich book, Napoleon Hill. Like, it's like one of the OG books of, like,

Danielle Savory [: 00:07:00

personal I have not read that.

Marli Williams [: 00:07:02

So Well, the crazy part, I mean, the book was written in, like, early 1900 by a white dude. Right? And he studied, like, the 500 most influential successful men. And there's a whole freaking chapter in there about one of the commonalities was they were all in their sexual power. Like, he elicits that and illustrates that and says how important that was to their overall success. And so when you're saying, you know, for 1000 of years, women have not really kind of been allowed to or to feel that level of power through pleasure

Danielle Savory [: 00:07:41

Yes.

Marli Williams [: 00:07:41

That it's like when we ask some of these questions, what is keeping women out of these, like, powerful positions, the c suite stepping into leadership, entrepreneurship, whatever it is, I think it's a fascinating lens to look at where are we not accessing pleasure for, like, pleasure's sake.

Danielle Savory [: 00:08:03

Yeah. Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:08:05

And for the performance and the power and the sexual energy that we can use to fuel our ideas, inspiration Yep. What have you. Because I know that I mean, you work with a lot of, like, high level

Danielle Savory [: 00:08:21

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:08:22

Really, really successful women who if you could look at their outside of their life, everyone would say they have it all figured out. Yep. And yet, there's something missing. Yeah. So when people come to you, I'm curious, like, where do you begin the journey with people who are, you know, maybe someone's listening to this and they're like, this all sounds great.

Danielle Savory [: 00:08:45

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:08:45

Here for it. I'm on board. The pleasure revolution.

Danielle Savory [: 00:08:50

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:08:51

Where do you start with people? And so that's my kind of first question Yeah. And I would love to geek out with you on on the neuroscience of pleasure and how that really helps women, especially tap into this, like, kind of when we talk about, like, high performance coaching. A lot

Danielle Savory [: 00:09:08

of it will probably leave this part out. Everybody. Yeah. When is it ever, like, included. Right? Never. It's never part

Marli Williams [: 00:09:18

of the equation. And so it's like making this more mainstream and part of, like, you wanna be a high performing, high level leader, boss babes, CEO, like, influential human in the world. Where do we start? And then, yeah, part 2, I guess, is let's jam on the geek out with us on the neuroscience of pleasure.

Danielle Savory [: 00:09:41

Right. So we're gonna actually kinda start with the neuroscience and then lean more into like, because that's actually where you start in my opinion. Because so many people and so many women like you're talking about who are in these high level positions who have created a lot of like success for themselves in these places, like we have a lot of thoughts we have, you know, these like super powerful minds. And so if we want to get behind it, we need to get our mind behind it. And the truth of the matter is, is so many of us have not gotten intentional about how we look at pleasure and intentional about how we look at sex. Even though we've gotten intentional with so many other ideas and thoughts and stuff that we have and opinions that we have in the world. When it comes to our relationship with our sexuality and our relationship with our pleasure, most of us have never paused and asked ourselves, wait. I know that seed was planted, and it continues to get fueled and, like, watered by all the stuff that I'm hearing in the media news and everything else.

Danielle Savory [: 00:10:44

Do I actually wanna believe that? Do I actually want to think that? Like, we do not actually take the time to kind of get off of the programming and the default setting that we've been handed down to as women to even ask that question. So where I like to start with smart and successful women is getting your brain on board with why it's good for you. Because we've only been told most that the reason that it's good for us, right, is like so that you have a happy marriage. Or maybe even like just like just so that you can feel liberated, you should be able to do whatever you want to do. Right. But we don't actually think of like, but how could this actually benefit me? Like, yes, maybe it's going against the societal norms that I can like, you know, go into this movement in this liberation. But when it comes down to creating new habits, at least in my own experience, like, I have to find so many angles for my brain to buy into it in order for me to actually follow through with the shit that I wanna follow through with. Yeah.

Danielle Savory [: 00:11:45

Right? I love this part. Right? Like this idea of getting your brain on board for helping you look at all of the reasons this matters to you,

Marli Williams [: 00:11:57

not just your partner or something outside of you, like your partner or the partnership. But it's like, actually, reminding or, like, having these messages and finding all of these ways that this is something that I can do for me. And when we look at, you know, shifting any sort of, like, habit or behavior, it all starts with our mindset. So what are the thoughts and beliefs and narratives we've been taught and told that influence how we feel about sex, what we think about it, and a lot of the narratives is like, I don't have time, I'm too busy. I'm not interested.

Danielle Savory [: 00:12:36

Right. What's the point? You know, like, it takes too much effort. I take too long. You know, there's all these like negative things. And when you think about taking it outside of the realm of sexuality, when you think about fitness, we've known for a long time, and this has been part of the narrative for a very long time of why it's good for us. How many of us still need to hear all of the reasons that's good for us to get to the fucking gym? Like, you have to get your brain on board in so many different ways. But the other narrative that's gone in in the fitness world, right, is identifying when we're sometimes doing something out of that place of should, and how sometimes like it doesn't have the same impact. And so getting on like, what is my why? What is my reason, right? If I'm telling myself that I'm going to go hiking, which you and I get to see each other on the trails all the time, which is fun.

Danielle Savory [: 00:13:31

If I'm going hiking, so that I look good in a bikini, I would never get on the trail because I could give a shit what I look like in a bikini. If you tell me that I'm going to be able to calm my mind so that I could have, you know, an effective work day, or I'm going to be able to let go of some of these like emotions or anxiety that's been weighing me down that's been keeping me from like, actually having fun with my children and keeping you know, having me in this like irritable state and popping off on them, then those things matter to me. So if I know that that's going to help, I'm most more likely to do that. So when it comes to like pleasure and sexuality, the more you can start just immersing yourself in why it's so good. And knowing that not every reason is going to be motivating on each day, right? Same with fitness. So it's like, the more we know, the more we understand so that we can grab one of those whys that day.

Marli Williams [: 00:14:36

Beyond just I should, I'm supposed to. Yeah. So what are some new thoughts and beliefs and narratives when asking this question and helping women tap into this deeper why of why does this matter to you? And, again, I appreciate what you said. A different why might inspire you on a different day.

Danielle Savory [: 00:14:58

Yeah. Or a different season in your life. Right? Like so when I'm working with young moms Right. Something that's really helpful for them is like when you pursue pleasure, and when you take care of yourself, the way that it's satiating your nervous system is going to help you stay out of survival mode. Because when you have those young kids who are constantly like, basically looking at life or death situations, because they're running around a kitchen, grabbing a knife or, you know, sharp edges everywhere, all these different things, that's really appealing because they feel like they're on high alert. If you let them know that pleasure is actually gonna help them sleep better, those kind of things are gonna be really helpful if you're a new mom and you want to feel more at ease. You don't want to feel like you're on edge all the time. You want to feel well rested.

Danielle Savory [: 00:15:45

You want to understand create then learning how to be in your body, learning how to create the neuro chemicals that are going to allow you to get through this time of your life is really appealing. If you are an entrepreneur, as you and I are, one of the things that's so helpful for us is to be able to have creative insight, creative problem solving. That's why we're entrepreneurs. So understanding that orgasms and that kind of pleasure is one of the best ways for the rest of our like analytical talking mind to calm down so that we have access to our creativity. You're feeling stuck on a problem. And if you can't do it, and you feel like you're banging your head against the wall, go have an orgasm and then see what happens.

Marli Williams [: 00:16:41

I love it. So again, depending on what season of life you're in, the reasons might be different. And, again, whether it's calming down your nervous system, better sleep

Danielle Savory [: 00:16:54

Immune system is another thing. More creativity. Yep. Immune system, like blood pressure, heart health, you know, we have all these physiological benefits. But the other place that I really like to go to is just the internal resources that it creates in the pursuit of pleasure. And what I mean by that is by having this as a goal, like the type of things that we will end up touching on or end up taking care of in pursuit of that goal creates so many internal resources in our brain. So one of them and my favorite one is just this sense of really truly having your own back, like really being on your own side and the level of self compassion. Because so many of us, you know, and especially, again, stereotyping here, women have that subtle way and sometimes not very subtle, just a straight up like jerk in your head where you're never doing enough, you're not making it, you're not doing as well as someone else.

Danielle Savory [: 00:17:54

Why them? Why not me? You know, like, we have all these like little messages. What you find out when you're pursuing pleasure is that when you go, let's say you've scheduled a little sexy session with your partner and you're not in the mood or your body shuts down or it's hard to orgasm or you're not feeling open, you can look back on your day and it's like, well, how is your body supposed to show up and show you all this pleasure when you have literally been living with like an abuser inside of your head all day? Your nervous system feels that. You feel that all those nicks, all those cuts, all these things. And one of my clients said this, and I absolutely love this visual. She said, the best thing about me pursuing pleasure and is I get to use my level of desire or at least my level of willingness as a barometer each and every day for how I've treated myself.

Marli Williams [: 00:18:50

Wow. That's a mic drop moment. Yeah. Right? So it's how are we talking to ourselves? How are we treating ourselves? And how are we looking at this this idea too of pleasure, not just in the bedroom, but pleasure as a practice? Right? And how am I eating my food? How am I enjoying that cup of coffee? How am I enjoying that morning meditation or journaling? Like, it's like kind of how much pleasure can I let in to these other areas of my life and and how am I speaking to myself about myself? And I remember I was really struggling in this area of just wanting to explore my own sexuality and sensuality from a place of, like, I wanna feel sexy because I feel sexy, not because a partner thinks that I am or someone else shows me or tells me or even, like, without because I was single at the time and not getting that kind of physical affirmation or affection from other people. I'm like, okay. Kind of that, like, one of the narratives, like, when you're single is like, how do I talk to myself and treat myself?

Marli Williams [: 00:20:01

Myself. Yeah. Myself, like, take myself out for a hot date or wear clothes that make me feel really good. I took a sensual movement class that was, like, super edgy stretchy of, like, I wanna feel myself

Danielle Savory [: 00:20:14

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:20:14

And feel like so it's, again, like, elevating my ability to experience pleasure in all of these areas of my life so that when someone did show up, I wouldn't be relying necessarily on that. I mean, the external validation and affirmation is great.

Danielle Savory [: 00:20:30

Well, you become codependent. Right? Like, you become this person that has agency when you're doing what you're saying.

Marli Williams [: 00:20:37

Yeah. And you get to be in your power and in your pleasure. And and I really think, you know, it allowed me to be ready to receive a partner who is very connected to her pleasure and her power and like being like, oh, wow. Like, I don't know if I would have been open or available for that had I not done this other kind of like inner work while I was single on my own to be ready or, like, I'm ready to receive now. Right? And so when we think about you know, you said something earlier that I wanna come back to this idea of pleasure as performance.

Danielle Savory [: 00:21:15

Mhmm.

Marli Williams [: 00:21:17

And bringing this into the high performance equation. Yeah. When we think about how do we operate in the world, how do we operate in our life? Again, as business owners, as mom running your family, you know Yeah. As a partner, as a leader, as a CEO, how do you help people look at this idea of seeing pleasure and accessing this

Danielle Savory [: 00:21:44

Mhmm.

Marli Williams [: 00:21:45

Relating to their performance in their life?

Danielle Savory [: 00:21:47

Yeah. Well, I think it's good for us to think of like, how do I want to perform? Like, what are those elements? What are those like skills that I'm working on developing? Right? So performance, for me is creativity. Performance for me is focus. Performance for me is effective communication. Performance for me might be resilience is a huge part of performance, motivation, inspiration. So these are all like when I think about performance for me, and so you come up like with your list, when we think about pleasure, pleasure hits every single one of those. And part of it is, again, because of what the pursuit of pleasure and our experience with pleasure allows for what is activated in our brain. What parts are we using? What are we turning towards? And so when you're looking at all of these things, we have to get good at taking in the good, If we want to rewire our brain to be able to optimally perform, then we need to on purpose be taking in the good taking in these things, saturating our brain in these sorts of experiences.

Danielle Savory [: 00:23:03

So those structures can literally build and develop. So it's like when you really like when you're just getting down to like those nitty gritty sorts of things, but then also the skill that's created while pursuing pleasure. So let's take focus, for example. So learning how to focus your mind is so important, especially when you're an entrepreneur and you have like a million distractions or a business person like on all the time is learning how to focus and stay focused so you can get your shit done. And like that's really hard. But when you're practicing, focusing on pleasure, so sensual pleasure, sensual pleasure is sensation, right? Keeping your mind when it's like, but I need to hurry and I'm gonna do this and like, all the things that you have to do, but you're making your brain sit and stay on like your partner's fingertips feel like on the inner thigh of what like that coffee like that smell of it, the way that it touches your lips, like the warmth of it, you follow that whole experience. And your brain just wants to pop off like you are creating the skill not only to like, become more sensual, but you're creating the skill of focus. And like, what did we want to create the skill of focus, cultivate the skill of focus, with focusing on stuff that feels really good?

Marli Williams [: 00:24:25

Hell, yeah. I'm here for that.

Danielle Savory [: 00:24:27

Right? Like, I could go and focus and, like, add a candle flame. Cool.

Marli Williams [: 00:24:33

Or I can focus on receiving pleasure.

Danielle Savory [: 00:24:36

Right. Or I could focus on like that touch or like a smell that lights me up or walking out side and like, allowing myself to delight because the thing is, is when we're focusing on the good things, when we're focusing on the things that light us up that delight us that feel good that make us go like when we're focusing on those things, not only are you working on the skill of focus, but you're also getting the added benefit of those other neurochemicals being released in your brain like serotonin and dopamine and oxytocin and like all these other things that are taking care of your immune system that are calming your like blood pressure down that are doing all these other things. So it's like, if we're going to work on this skill, why don't we also work on it so that we can cultivate something else at the same time, that's really, really good for us, that's also going to help our relationship, that's also going to calm down our nervous system, that's also going to shrink our amygdala so we don't get triggered and stressed all the time, that's also going to increase our insula so that we can like wake up to all these delightful sensations. Like, if we're gonna work on this stuff, like you might as well pick something that is also gonna hit all these other arenas at the same time, and it's fun.

Marli Williams [: 00:25:53

And it's fun. By the way, BT dubs.

Danielle Savory [: 00:25:56

I think you can work some orgasms out of it. Like, I'm just like, why wouldn't we? Like, it blows my mind. Like, why not?

Marli Williams [: 00:26:03

Why not? And I think everything that you're saying, I mean, it totally makes sense.

Danielle Savory [: 00:26:09

Mhmm.

Marli Williams [: 00:26:10

And I get curious, why not? What do you see? I mean, we talked about this a little bit, but it's like, I feel like it makes so much sense when you look at it this way. Yeah. And yet, people come to you.

Danielle Savory [: 00:26:23

Mhmm.

Marli Williams [: 00:26:23

You have a job.

Danielle Savory [: 00:26:25

So much resistance. Yes. So, like, what

Marli Williams [: 00:26:28

do you think are some of the big things that get in people's way when it comes to allowing themselves to access their pleasure, feel pleasure, really make pleasure a priority in their life? What are the narratives? What are the things that you see often stop people or get in people's way?

Danielle Savory [: 00:26:49

Yeah. When you look at pleasure in general, the closely tied neural connection we have with guilt is huge. So it's like guilty pleasure, Right? Like, even when we talk about pleasures, like the way that we speak about pleasures, we're like, oh, it's my guilty pleasure. Why? Right? You know, when we say pleasure, we say it's a reward. So most of us, if we are operating in the narrative that most of the So it's like waiting, waiting to get everything done. That's another big one. Like, I have to get all the important quote, unquote shit done first. I have to get all the obligations.

Danielle Savory [: 00:27:35

I have to take care of everybody else and all of the needs and all the things I'm on the hook for, then I get a break, then I get a reward, then I get this thing. Right?

Marli Williams [: 00:27:43

Right. But because that to do list is never ending, we never let ourselves fully Get there. Get there and relax because, like you said, our brains just go in a 1000000 miles an hour. So we can't relax enough to be present, to be in the moment.

Danielle Savory [: 00:28:00

To even receive pleasure, to open it. Yeah. And so those are like some of the big ones. Right? But in that same vein of that is when we're waiting till the end, then the other thing, I'm too tired. So we perceive pleasure as something that's gonna take a lot of effort. And to be honest, for most of us with female anatomy, because the sex education has failed us in so many ways when it comes to pleasure, because we've been given this, like, completely backwards narrative of, like, p in the v where it's like most of the pleasure never comes from that. We skip over all the good points. We think that we should be able to, like, get aroused and orgasm because our partner walks through the door, like the narrative alone around pleasure has made it so inaccessible to us, that if you perceive it as taking a lot of effort, you're not going to pursue it.

Danielle Savory [: 00:29:04

It's just like any other habit, not only do we have to perceive that the effort is going to be less, we have to also perceive that the result is going to be worth our effort. Women do not believe that the result is gonna be worth the effort, and they believe it's gonna take too much effort. Guess how much motivation that creates? 0.

Marli Williams [: 00:29:27

Yep. So it ends up kind of being like the why bother. Why bother? Right? Like, I don't have time for this. I'm busy running around being a boss, lady person, running a business or running, chasing my kids around.

Danielle Savory [: 00:29:39

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:29:40

It's kinda like this. I don't have time for it. And I think that that's such a good point to make of, again, what are the stories and the narratives that are keeping you, you know, for those listening that are keeping you stuck in a pattern. And I think that that's what happens too is we get caught up in a cycle or in a pattern where when we maybe haven't experienced pleasure in a while or in a minute Yeah. We forget how great it is. You know? It's like we've lost touch with it or when you have had it, it has felt like it's required a lot of effort and the result has not been

Danielle Savory [: 00:30:17

Yeah. It's like the like, one of those little orgasms. It's like you shake up a can and it's like and you're like, cool. Is that it?

Marli Williams [: 00:30:23

Is that it? Let's move on.

Danielle Savory [: 00:30:25

That's the thing. And and then the other thing is too is with that, which so fascinating is a lot of women, they're like, well, it's never bad. And like, once they do, I'm like, why am I not doing this all the time? And it comes back to like, even if you are experiencing pleasure, even if it is good, we haven't got our mind on board enough yet. We haven't immersed yourself, you're not really changing those neural patterns of like, this is good for me, like absorbing the good you're like, Yeah, that was good and on to the next. So it's like, right, really spending time like, even once you have that orgasm, like how do you think about it? It's not just like, Oh, that felt good. It was like, I just optimize my brain. I just flooded my I mean, you might not be flooded.

Marli Williams [: 00:31:10

My system with dopamine and oxytocin.

Danielle Savory [: 00:31:12

I think these kind of geeky things like I'm laying in my post orgasmic like glow, like thinking of my brain lighting up thinking of all these things that are available to me thinking of the energy that I'm going to have the next day, thinking of the way that I'm gonna have that flirty mood, which is going to pour into, like, my whole entire, like, well-being of my household, because we're all in a better mood when mom got some right. 100 percent You know, so it's like thinking about it like that.

Marli Williams [: 00:31:41

Right. Like, again, what are the stories we're telling ourselves before, during, and after? Right. And the word that keeps coming to my mind is this idea of savoring. Mhmm. And allowing Maybe it's like savory. Savory. Yes. Yes.

Marli Williams [: 00:31:57

They've had a sex. And like, one of the things that I practice too is like, how much pleasure can I receive? Yes. In every area of my life. Yeah. And really practicing that and kinda getting

Danielle Savory [: 00:32:13

out of the, like Expanding your capacity.

Marli Williams [: 00:32:15

Right? It takes too long. Or sometimes it's like, oh, I'm done. And it's like, am I, Or am I telling myself that story because I take too long or blah blah blah, you know, whatever it is versus, like, I'm here to experience what else is available. Let's see what else is possible here. Yes. Yes. And, again, in the bedroom, and what else is possible in my life, in my business? How much money could I make? How much impact could I have? Like, when I'm feeling myself, when I'm feeling, like, sexy, like, I feel strong, I feel powerful. Like you said, I feel resilient.

Marli Williams [: 00:32:51

And looking at I think for people listening out there, when you think about this word performance, for me, it's like impact. Like, I'm here to make a positive difference in the world. When I am my most lit up self, am I gonna make a bigger, more powerful impact? Yes.

Danielle Savory [: 00:33:09

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:33:09

And so again, when I can loop this story, when I am in my power and my pleasure Yeah. It helps me be in my purpose. Yes. It helps me perform in this way. And I love this, like, you know, and for everybody that's gonna be different of connecting the dots to what is it that matters to you in your life and how can we create use pleasure as a portal.

Danielle Savory [: 00:33:36

Yes. It is. And that's what it is to get there. And a pathway to everything that we want. Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:33:44

And to me, it's also this invitation of

Danielle Savory [: 00:33:47

how much could we enjoy the ride? Yes. So much more.

Marli Williams [: 00:33:52

Right? Like the point isn't to get to the end. And so often in, again, our sexual education that has failed us, it's to get to the end goal versus how much pleasure can I experience along the way without the pressure of the outcome, and specifically the time it takes to get there? Yeah. You know, one of the things I tell people all the time is I'm like, the point of life isn't to get to the end as fast as possible.

Danielle Savory [: 00:34:22

No. No.

Marli Williams [: 00:34:23

It's to enjoy the fucking ride.

Danielle Savory [: 00:34:25

Yeah. Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:34:25

And so Yeah. Same with this. It's like, are we focused on the end goal of just the orgasm? Or can we focus on

Danielle Savory [: 00:34:33

Yeah. Receiving, like lighting up, focusing, like, that Handles. Intimacy, the emotional connection.

Marli Williams [: 00:34:38

Yeah. Right.

Danielle Savory [: 00:34:39

And there's so many other ways, you know, to do that. But it really does like when you learn to be really present for that when you learn not to chase that. It's like we talk about like these lessons, right? Or like finding your why and learning how to surrender, learning how to receive learning how to enjoy the ride, like all of these happen in the microcosm of sex that can be applied to getting the job or having the business that you want or all of these things, but you are viscerally learning it. Like, that's the other thing when it comes to pleasure and sensuality that's different than just straight up mindset and getting everything else on board is oftentimes what happens with these things. And, like, I do believe in myself. I do believe my shit is great. Right? Like, you know, you and I have had conversations like this. Right? Like, why not? And it's like, because we actually don't feel that in our body.

Danielle Savory [: 00:35:36

Right? And you know, like, we can lie to ourselves all the time. I am thinking those things. I am thinking those thoughts. But if we haven't tied what's going on in our mind to a strong emotional bodily sensation connection, it's not the same. And we don't practice being in our bodies. And so allowing ourselves like to pursue pleasure also teaches you how to actually be in your body to not be afraid of when those uncomfortable emotions come up. Because now you can process them with the understanding I can also soothe myself at the same time. I can also like be on my own side.

Danielle Savory [: 00:36:20

And so the embodied in the somatic work that happens within the pursuit of pleasure, we can't any longer, like, lie to ourselves and be like, I totally believe in my product. It's so easy to sell it now when, like, a little while ago, you didn't notice, but now you're very aware that your entire chest has shrunk, that your like abdomen feels like a brick of rocks. You become so aware of your body. You're like, I actually don't believe that because if I did, I wouldn't be feeling this in my body right

Marli Williams [: 00:36:54

now. Right?

Danielle Savory [: 00:36:55

Yeah, there's part of it doesn't feel safe. So it teaches us how to be present in our body, where when we're just going, like I said, after traditional mindset work, it's so disconnected from the nervous system and the body that you can lie to yourself the whole time and still probably get results, but they're not gonna be as effective as when you start to work with your nervous system and body.

Marli Williams [: 00:37:17

Yeah. I love that so much. And when, like, when you bring them together, it's just like exponential impact. And my partner and I talk about, I'm a big words of affirmation person, and I don't know if I came up with this or created this, but we we joke and we call it affirmation sex.

Danielle Savory [: 00:37:33

Yeah.

Marli Williams [: 00:37:34

In that, like, just when you're saying these things, like, you're a fucking amazing partner and you're so beautiful and I am, like, so in love with like, all of you're saying all of these things and Yeah. Your body is experiencing pleasure, it's like, again, we can embody the wisdom of those words so much deeper. And I think learning to trust ourselves and trust our bodies, trust our knowing, trust our intuition, to practice asking for what we want, again, to practice receiving. You know, I work with a lot of, like, speakers and coaches, and they wanna raise their rates, or they wanna charge money for a keynote, or they wanna, you know, it's like, how would it feel to receive $5,000 to speak on a stage for 1 hour? Do you have the somatic body? Yeah. That can hold that. Yeah. Right? So it's like, how much am I willing to, like, let in? How much am I willing to receive? Yeah, this or something better? Or do I say there's no way I'm not worthy. I don't deserve that.

Marli Williams [: 00:38:42

I have to earn my keep. I have to get another certification. Yeah. Or whatever.

Danielle Savory [: 00:38:49

Yeah. Like, can you lay back and, like, let your partner, like, go to town pleasing you and not once have the thought that I need to like reciprocate or give back, then you might not be ready to receive that $10,000 for your 1 hour on stage, Right? And so it's like this beautiful thing to, like, really see, like because, you know, like, our ability to receive is directly related to our ability to create safety in our nervous system. And what a better place to practice than with like your lover or with yourself having a felt self love affair with yourself. Like when you were talking before Marli, right of like, how much can I really receive here? My how much pleasure? How much all of this, this is such a place and again, for most of us socialized as women, this is a place that's really, really hard for us. And especially if you're in a heterosexual relationship. You know, we've been taught so much about seeing sex through the lens of male pleasure, that we only find desire even in being desirable, right? So so much of our pleasure is being undesirable. We don't even know how to have our own wants. We don't even know what we really want when it's not tied to somebody else.

Danielle Savory [: 00:40:01

And so learning how to get in line with your own desire, allowing your own self to receive pleasure without fixating on taking care of somebody else or like what they want or what they need is such a deep, deep practice of creating safety in your nervous system, that it's okay for you to that it's allowed. And doing that work, these skill sets transfer, you learn to do that in the bedroom, it makes it really easy to learn how to do that with clients, you learn how to speak up for what you want and ask for the next level with your partner with something you're really nervous about, then asking for that raise is easy peasy. Right? And so it's like this gets to be this place because this is the one place in our society that has been so shrouded in shame and guilt and rejection, and like black and whites and ifs ands and like all this rule book that when we break through those barriers, the rest of it just becomes so much easier. The rest of it, you've already developed the skill set and literally the hardest aspect of it. It's so much easier than just be like, Oh, yeah, I know how to focus. Like I just focused for 45 minutes.

Marli Williams [: 00:41:16

Yeah. And again, that level of training and teaching our nervous system that it is safe to want what I want. It's safe to ask for what I want. But I think that the step of like, can we begin with actually asking the question, what do I want? Just because I want it. Because I start with a, what do you want? Wave a magic wand. Most often, 90% of the time people say 3 words.

Danielle Savory [: 00:41:43

I don't

Marli Williams [: 00:41:45

know. Yep. Because you haven't given yourself enough time or space to answer it, 1, or because you're worried you might not get it. Yep. So we would rather let ourselves off the hook with saying I don't know, then get clear on what it is that we want. And again, some of these fears of rejection. But it's like, if we can do this in this way for ourselves in the bedroom or in this kind of intimate space, then, like you said, when I go out to write that proposal for $10,000, it's like, okay. I did this hard thing.

Marli Williams [: 00:42:21

I can do this too, or it's like, this feels easy.

Danielle Savory [: 00:42:25

But also your body is, like, fueled with all those feel good chemicals. Like, you're standing up taller, like, you're feeling alive, you're feeling whatever, and, like, you're magnetic. Like you're genuinely a magnetic person. So like doing that, and the energy imprint that you bring to that and the way that you do that is going to be so different than like, I don't know, can I ask for $10,000 Right? Or what are they gonna say? Totally different. Yeah. You're like, you're in your orgasmic bliss. Like, you just like, feel powerful. You feel amazing.

Danielle Savory [: 00:42:55

You feel alive. And you just develop the skill of asking for what you want and getting it.

Marli Williams [: 00:43:00

Hell, yeah. That's what it's all about. So good. Oh, my goodness. Okay, my friend. As we wrap up for today, I would love for you to share any final thoughts that you would love to leave the audience with as we close our conversation. And for people that are out there that really want to expand pleasure in all areas of their life, where can they find you? Or can they learn more about you and your work in the world?

Danielle Savory [: 00:43:27

Yes. I would say my one final thought is, you know, if you are hearing this conversation, you're like, that's so great. That's so great. But you're also feeling like this, like resistance or like kind of a wall coming up in your body. 1st and foremost, I see you. You're not alone. Like, it's okay. Like we have, you know, and again, those so those of us socialized as women like this is like, generations upon generations upon generations of this not feeling like it's for us, and also feeling like it's off limits.

Danielle Savory [: 00:43:57

So like, be kind to yourself, put your hand on your heart and go, Oh, my love, like woman, I see you like, of course, this is a little scary. Like, this has never been a safe place for us to explore, or to want or to desire. Like, it's okay. So we also just want to be you know, it's like rah rah, like I want to be part of movement. It sounds amazing. And then you notice in your body like, it feels like you know, your vulva is just like crawling up inside of you. And everything is like nodding up, you're like, wait a minute, this doesn't feel like pleasure. Of course it doesn't, you know, it's gonna feel a little uncomfortable at the beginning, even thinking about that.

Danielle Savory [: 00:44:35

So we want to honor that part. We want to start with where we're at and understanding the landscape that not only you but our aunties, our mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers and grandmothers, and all of those back like what they've been faced with when it comes to our sexuality so that we can really have compassion on this journey of pursuing pleasure in a way that feels aligned with our bodies.

Marli Williams [: 00:45:01

I think that's just so important to really honor wherever you are at on this journey and to have so much compassion for yourself along the way. And sometimes it's hard to go from like total 0 to 60. So start where you are with what you have and Yeah. Just the tip. Just the tip.

Danielle Savory [: 00:45:22

My favorite part anyway. No, but in all reality, right, like baby steps, you know, baby steps and like having like love and compassion along your way and understanding there's been so many seeds that are planted that have developed into like, these neural pathways that are really, really, really strong in your brain. And, you know, we can start taking steps towards pleasure, you know, so start taking steps of just like, what if, you know, like what if pleasure was possible or, you know, like Marli and I both mentioned, you know, like these moments, like these like moments of presence where you can turn towards pleasure, because the fact is, is pleasure is existing at any moment of any given time. You just have to turn your attention to it, you just have to wake up to it. But there's literally something pleasurable in every single moment of our existence. And when we just wake up to it every once in a while practice waking up to it, you know, like practice waking up to that first like, cold drink of water when you're really thirsty, like wake up to a smell that you really like, like the feeling of a fabric on your skin, like linger a little bit longer with a kiss with your lover, like starting with these, but intentionally being present and absorbing them can be so powerful for you to like really start working your way in.

Marli Williams [: 00:46:36

So good. Such an important reminder. So where can people find you in the wild world?

Danielle Savory [: 00:46:42

In the well yeah. In the realms of of the world, the pleasure world. So on Instagram at the practice of pleasure, you can find me there. And then on the internet, daniellesavory.com. If you are interested, I'll leave the link in the show notes. I have a freebie called the savory starter and it's savory starter. And this is just like a quick like, morning routine. And I put that in quotes because it's already with what your routine, whatever your morning routine is, it's just adding a little shift to it.

Danielle Savory [: 00:47:14

So like I just had said a couple of ways that you can invite pleasure in so you can start your day off feeling pleasured. And so this is a whole ebook about how you can do that. And that's free. So I will put that in the show notes

Marli Williams [: 00:47:27

for you as well. We got resources. We got Instagrams. We got websites. Check them out.

Danielle Savory [: 00:47:34

Oh, and my podcast. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah. Your podcast. It's My Pleasure. Yeah. That's a thing.

Marli Williams [: 00:47:39

Check out Danielle's podcast. It was rated like the best sex podcast in all the podcasts of all the land. So It's My Pleasure. Check it out. It has been my pleasure, Danielle, to have you on the show today, and the quote that's lingering for me is that pleasure is a portal to whatever you want to be possible in your life, to your purpose, to your performance, to your power, to your strength, and to allow yourself to start wherever you are right now. And so I appreciate you sharing your heart, your knowledge, your wisdom. As always, I love to hear your golden nuggets. So I'd love to hear what you got out of this.

Marli Williams [: 00:48:22

If you think someone else in your life could benefit from listening, share it with them, rate, review, all the fun podcasty things. And thanks for listening. And I cannot wait to see you next time. Until then, take care. Thank you for joining us on another inspiring episode of the Williams podcast. We hope you're leaving here with renewed energy and valuable insights to fuel your leadership, coaching, and speaking endeavors. I'd love to invite you to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast to help us reach more aspiring leaders and speakers like you. We have more exciting episodes and remarkable guests lined up, so make sure to tune in next time.

Marli Williams [: 00:49:06

Until then, keep leading with purpose, coaching with heart, and speaking with conviction. This is Marli Williams signing off. See you next week.